


Two Player Game

by BooBerryPancakes



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Be More Chill - Ned Vizinni
Genre: M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-25 17:35:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19750516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BooBerryPancakes/pseuds/BooBerryPancakes
Summary: Jeremy deals with the remaining consequences of what happened while trying to enjoy his post-SQUIP life. Takes place after the events of the musical.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You know how Love Never Dies is a musical fanfiction for Phantom of the Opera? Well, I don't have any musical talent so I have write fanfiction the old fashioned way.
> 
> I only recently got super into Be More Chill the musical. I may have mixed up a few of the details/ gotten them wrong. My apologies in advance. Feedback always appreciated.

Jeremy did not want to complain, not after all the trouble he had caused, but Jesus Christ he was bored with sitting in the hospital. The doctor had recommended another night, which was most likely not necessary and probably the result of not wanting to be sued and misplaced incentives inherent in the healthcare industry of a capitalistic economy, but whatever. And his Dad was now trying hard to be a Dad again which was both sweet and annoying, but Jeremy wanted to encourage this overall, so whatever. And, again, this was all Jeremy’s fault.

So. Whatever.

As Jeremy looked up at the now familiar ceiling, it once again struck him as strange to have a suddenly empty head all to himself. He didn’t miss his SQUIP or anything, it was just an adjustment. 

Okay, he missed having someone, or something, to constantly be talking to. It was irrational, but it was addicting.

And here was pang of guilt. He had that constant communication with someone before the whole mess started. And not only did the mess itself get in the way of this relationship, but it was occasionally a deliberate decision made by Jeremy.

He had treated Michael horribly. He intentionally hurt him again and again. And yet Michael was the only reason Jeremy was safely bored in a hospital bed now; was even part of the reason he had his Dad back. 

But the worst part, the most terrifying part, for both him and Michael, had been when Jeremy first woke up. The SQUIP had had access to every single nook and cranny of his mind, and it could do whatever it wished to each part. The SQUIP had tried to save itself in those rapid moments before being destroyed.

When Jeremy first woke up in the hospital, his Dad and Michael had been there. Jeremy recognized them both, but he had only known who his Dad was. When he first processed Michael’s face his mind associated it with fear. So much fear that he tightened the hand his father had been holding. 

His Dad responded quickly, “Son? What’s wrong? Is it your head?”

“Nurse!” Michael called, sensing something off, and quickly ran to the open door.

“Jeremy?” his Dad said.

Jeremy locked eyes with his father, heart still racing, but calmer now that Michael had physically stepped away. It was only then that Jeremy realized that yes, his head did hurt. It hadn’t been like most headaches; felt more like the headaches he would get in early dehydration or a mildly bad high. Not significant, but if he moved too fast or took time to notice it then suddenly the ache would briefly become a pounding.

“Dad,” he said a little breathless, and then someone else took his other hand.

“There’s a nurse on the way Jeremy. What’s wrong?” Michael said.

And then Jeremy had screamed. The screaming scared Michael so much that when Jeremy yanked his hand away from him, Michael took a step back.

A nurse had run in then, temporarily shooed Michael away, and eventually got Jeremy to calm down. Jeremy was still hazy on the details of what happened after; he had been given some drugs to ease the pain and aid in chilling him out, and he wasn’t exactly keen to have a conversation about being terrified of his best friend. All he knew was that at some point Michael reentered, and Jeremy gradually remembered who he was.

Presently, the door was opening, and Jeremy looked up. Here was Michael now, holding two coffees. Because Jeremy had just been thinking about him, there was no initial fear as there often was when he initially saw Michael now. Nothing similar to that first time had occurred since then, only brief bursts of adrenaline as a fight or flight instinct kicked in, which would turn off when his brain caught up. 

“Hey man,” Michael greeted, a half smile on his face. Jeremy could see Michael relax a bit, most likely in response to his calm demeanor. Jeremy felt a flash of guilt knowing it was because Michael feared a repeat episode of Jeremy not knowing him.

“Hey,” Jeremy responded, gratefully taking the cup Michael handed to him. Michael pulled his headphones back to around his neck and sat down in the chair left by Jeremy’s bed.  
Jeremy realized then that this was the first time they had been alone during his hospital stay. Rich was now separated by both the curtain and a state of unconsciousness, and his Dad had gone home for a shower and a nap (and probably an hour or two without pants on, recovery is rarely linear). 

“So, like… we gotta talk.” Michael said.

Jeremy’s stomach bottomed out a bit at hearing those words. But he distracted himself with taking a sip of coffee that was way too hot to sip from yet. He put on his brave face and nodded. “Yeah, okay, that makes sense.”

“I mean- everything I said before still stands.” Michael said, making pretty intense eye contact. “We’re good dude. I don’t blame you for what happened.”

“You could though, you totally could. I was super shitty to you.”

Michael paused, then shrugged. “You were super shitty. But I get it. And I care about you. I’m not going to hold this against you Jeremy. You flew too close to the sun this time, but we’re gonna be friends for a long time so I’ll have plenty of opportunities to be super shitty to you.”

Jeremy smiled at this, truly reassured in a way he hadn’t been before. It was like with each word Michael uttered a little weight left his shoulders.

“So anyway,” Michael continued, “You don’t have to feel like you need to keep apologizing, I get it and I forgive you. But… I have to ask. How much was you?”

Jeremy furrowed his brows. He understood what Michael meant, but it was so vague that Jeremy was not sure where to start. 

“It’s just, I mean,” Michael went on, unprompted, “I’m sure it can be hard to separate at a certain point. Basically, what I’m asking is: do you still want to be my friend or have you changed your mind?” 

“What?! Dude!” Jeremy exclaimed. Jeremy rapidly shot one of his hands forward, accidently spilling some coffee in doing so, and grabbed Michael’s free hand. “Of course I do. Like, I cannot emphasize enough how shitty I was being. And I know you just said you don’t care about that, but dude, seriously, I was being _so shitty._ You’re right, it’s hard to distinguish and know exactly how much me being shitty to you was an active, independent decision. But I am so relieved it is all over and that I still have you, dude. You have no idea how grateful I am.”

Jeremy paused then, squeezed Michael’s hand and said, “Thank you. For still being here. And for still being you even when I tried so hard to not be me and leave you behind.”

Michael smiled and looked down in his lap, squeezing Jeremy’s hand back.

They sat there in silence for a few minutes. Finally, Michael said, “And now… we should probably talk about the other thing, huh?”

Jeremy sighed. “Yeah, we probably should.”

“So, uh,” Michael paused again, clearly thinking through what to say. Jeremy was undecided on who had the shittier situation between the two of them. He just wanted to have his best friend back, without any complications. But as rough as it was to be scared of your best friend, it was probably worse for your best friend to be scared of you. 

“What’s going on in there exactly?” Michael asked, pointing to his own temple for emphasis.

Jeremy slowly pulled his hand out of Michael’s and joined it with his other around his coffee cup. He stared down into the coffee, thinking. 

He knew, or thought he knew, why his brain was doing this. But it was hardly the news you would want to break to your best friend, so he avoided it for a few more seconds. In the silence, he contemplated an answer to Michael’s question in the broader sense. 

What was going on, exactly? He remembered pre-SQUIP feeling as if his brain was constantly full of worries and a lot of foreign voices constantly updating him on the various things that made him un-cool. But now, his brain felt so empty in comparison to how he felt with a SQUIP lurking in there. Jeremy could almost hear echoes when he thought anything. Of course, maybe he was just in denial. After all, wouldn’t everyone hate him at school for nearly having the student body turned into computer-controlled zombies and also ruining the school play? Shouldn’t he be lingering on how much everyone hated him by now?

Oh my God. Everyone at school totally hated him for nearly having the student body turned into computer-controlled zombies and also ruining the school play. And oh my God. Everyone definitely, totally hated him.

_**Seriously Jeremy, could you**_ **be _any less chill?_**

Jeremy physically winced at this last thought, for it sounded almost exactly like the SQUIP.

“Jeremy? You good dude?” Michael asked, sounding concerned and looking ready to spring up.

“Yeah, um.” Jeremy swallowed. “It’s just that I think I just heard the SQUIP in my head? And now I’m trying to stay calm and not freak the fuck out.” Jeremy took a deep breath and then said, “And he sounded kinda like Chandler from _Friends_.”

“Oh. Dude,” Michael smiled, his concern gone. “Totally normal. I mean, if you keep hearing it then that’s concerning, obviously. But from the research I did, I know people who have been able to get the SQUIP out reported having intrusive thoughts in the SQUIP’s voice.”

“Oh,” Jeremy said, smiling back at Michael. “Cool, okay. I mean, hella annoying, but at least not life threatening.”

“Well, at least sounding like Chandler from _Friends_ proves it’s not the SQUIP, considering how lame that show is.”

“Hey!” Jeremy exclaimed, only half offended. Michael, who did not actually hate _Friends_ , liked to make fun of Jeremy who enjoyed the show. As irritating as this could be, Jeremy felt a lot of comfort in these familiar beats of their friendship. 

“But, anyway.” Michael said, becoming more serious but remaining relaxed. “Any idea what’s going on in terms of, um, me scaring you?”

Jeremy sighed. “Yeah, um, I think the SQUIP tried to sabotage you saving me, and the whole school, by messing my brain up. Like, it had access to my whole brain and it could make me unable to see you, so it makes sense that it could make you an irrational fear.”

Michael was visibly dismayed. “Are you freaking out right now?”

Jeremy shook his head, “No dude, like I still know who you are. It’s more like the rest of my brain just has to catch up with my initial instinct.”

Jeremy could tell Michael was just as dismayed, and while dismay was not inappropriate given the circumstances, Jeremy figured he probably should try to explain it better. 

“So, okay, um. When I initially see you, and I’m not already thinking about you or it’s just generally a surprise, I freak out a little. I don’t recognize you. Or actually, I do, it’s just it registers as something to fear. But then, once I can take the time to, uh, fully register you and who you are, then it’s not scary. Kind of like if you saw a scary shape in the dark, so you get ready to run, but then you stop to think what could actually be there and you realize it’s the bookshelf.”

“Oh,” Michael said, furrowing his eyebrows and averting his gaze. “Well, that’s… not great.” He paused again, then finally looked up at Jeremy. “What do you think about it?”

“I- uh, what do you mean?”

“Well, you’re the one who has to live with it. What do you think we should do?”

Jeremy thought about this for a moment and shrugged. “Live with it? I mean, not being your friend is not an option, for me at least. I- I know it’s a lot to handle so I’m sorry to even ask, but. Do you think you can live with it?”

Michael bit his lip as he contemplated, then asked without looking at him, “Are you sure, dude? Can you really live with it?”

Jeremy reached out and took Michael’s hand again. “Not being your friend. Is not. A fucking option for me. If you don’t want to be my friend, whatever, I’ll find a way to live with that. But this is both the far superior and easier option to me. So, it’s up to you.”

Michael smiled at their hands and squeezed Jeremy’s. Jeremy squeezed back, smiling a little himself.

Finally, Michael let go of Jeremy’s hand and broke the silence. “Too bad you have to spend another night here. We have to get stoned and play video games in my basement ASAP.”  
“Tell me about it,” Jeremy responded, relief clear in his voice. He took a sip of his coffee, now a reasonable temperature. 

***

Michael drove home that night relieved. He had Bob Marley playing again but was too engrossed in his own thoughts to really notice.

Michael had felt selfish for saving Jeremy, because it hadn’t been until the very end when he could confidently call it saving. Jeremy had been in the midst of getting what he wanted, and sure he had once called Michael his favorite person, had promised they would always be a team, but what did Jeremy have to compare Michael to? It wasn’t impossible that it would take literally only one new friend for Jeremy to change his mind on Michael.

And then, when Jeremy woke up. Oh God, when Jeremy woke up.

It had been awful for Michael, both wanting to help and knowing he would only made things worse. And for a few minutes there, Michael thought he had been wrong. That not only had he not saved Jeremy, he _ruined_ Jeremy. 

Jeremy’s theory of why this fear was happening made sense, but his idea of how to deal with it left something to be desired. Michael was, he would argue rightfully, insecure in their friendship. It was one thing for Jeremy to say he could deal with… with his fear of Michael. But how would he feel when Michael turned the corner at school and Jeremy drops all his books in a panic? How would Jeremy feel next time Michael slept over at his house and then Jeremy wakes up, needs to pee, sees Michael on the couch and screams?

And how would Michael feel too?

But no, Jeremy just told him he still wanted to be Michael’s friend. That he was thankful to still have Michael. That he was sorry. That they could work through this.

As he stopped for a red light, Michael once again played through the brief argument he and Jeremy had during the fiasco with the play. Jeremy said he was jealous of Michael for being content with not being popular. In actuality, it wasn’t that Michael was content per say, but rather he preferred to spend his energy on things he enjoyed instead of trying to achieve something he knew was unachievable. And while they moved past that argument, understanding each other better for it, Michael could not help but wonder if Jeremy still had some resentment of him for not trying. Maybe Jeremy thought Michael’s lack of trying was yet another weight holding him down on the social status ladder. Maybe Jeremy did not even realize a part of him was mad at Michael for this. And maybe if Jeremy really was resentful, he wouldn’t be wrong for being so.

In addition to this, Michael’s head was also full of thoughts about how close he had been to losing Jeremy forever. How close he had been to allowing that to happen, saved at the last moment by Jeremy’s Dad convincing him to try harder. Jeremy had not told Michael this, but a part of him suspected the SQUIP considered Michael a lost cause and was not going to include him in its’ plan for a dystopian society. Michael would have been permanently erased from Jeremy’s life, his sight, and maybe his memory.

And when Michael was completely honest with himself, as in 100% brutal honesty, he was so hurt because a part of him liked Jeremy. Like, like-liked Jeremy. Michael had not known this about himself for very long, he had only realized it when Rich had written “BOYF” and “RIENDS” on their backpacks and felt so hurt by how embarrassed Jeremy was. Michael had never really thought through his sexuality. Because he had two Moms he hadn’t assumed he was straight like most of his peers, which was hard to do because of how heteronormative American society was. And because Michael was a loser, he figured anyone he pursued would just reject him anyway, so he hadn’t seen the point of entertaining any romantic feelings he occasionally experienced. 

His emotional reaction to Jeremy’s embarrassment had been immediate and strong. The hurt he felt had been so pronounced it surprised him, and the surprise forced him to examine his feelings. Why was he so hurt? And why was he not embarrassed like Jeremy was?

The answer was, of course, because he wanted to be boyfriends with Jeremy. It had been so obvious, and yet so natural he never realized. 

Tears were beginning to sting Michael’s eyes by the time he pulled in, which was pretty annoying for two reasons. One: he was a teenage guy who did not want either of his Moms to know he was crying because then he would have to talk about his Feelings. Two: he had just been lectured for smoking weed and how he shouldn’t do drugs, so if his eyes did get all red then the better option might be admitting he was crying.

A quick look in the mirror revealed there was no visible irritation to his eyes yet, so he furiously began thinking about something else, anything else, before getting out of the car. 

***

Two days later, Jeremy paused on the sidewalk outside of his school. After four days of having his head to all to himself again he had been sure he was used to it, but now it felt emptier than ever. Back in the place where he was near-constantly making social blunders, where the SQUIP had been the most vocal because this was where it was most needed.

Jeremy had thought he was ready, but standing here now, he realized he was now less socially adept than he was before even starting this whole mess. 

Just then there was a loud honk, and Jeremy stiffened in preparation for someone to shout abuse at him, maybe throw trash at him, when he heard Michael shout, “Jeremy my guy!” This was accompanied immediate honking from other, over-zealous high school drivers as Michael pulled his PT Cruiser as close to the sidewalk as the road would allow. 

Jeremy’s heart had stopped when he first heard Michael’s voice, fear suddenly spiking his mind, but the familiar sight of Michael’s car immediately put his brain back in order. Jeremy nearly dove into the Cruiser, and Michael began driving again before his door was completely close. Sitting in the familiar seat instantly sent a physical release through Jeremy; he threw his head back and closed his eyes, not bothering with a seatbelt since Michael would be parking the car in a matter of minutes. 

There was music blasting of course, currently it was Ninja Sex Party’s newest album. Jeremy found himself appreciating this on a whole different level than he had before because of how easy it was to let the music echo through his empty head. He would have to get tips from Michael on how to maximize time he could listen to music.

“Can’t believe you’re already back at school bro. I would think ‘being half possessed by a supercomputer that manipulated me into nearly infecting the whole school before exploding in my brain’ would be an excused absence.”

Jeremy guffawed and said, “Yeah well, I doubt ‘being half possessed by a supercomputer that manipulated me into nearly infecting the whole school before exploding in my brain’ looks good on college applications, so I’m mostly back to join more extra-curriculars.”

Michael laughed, and then sharply turned the wheel to squeeze into a parking spot too small for many of the other cars. “So, you really think you’re ready?”

Jeremy’s lifted mood was dampened again. He wasn’t as frightened as he had been on the sidewalk, and it was only now he realized he had been frightened, but he could feel the fear was within his grasp.

“No,” he said. “I know I’m not ready.” 

Michael paused, his expression becoming more serious. “Do you want to leave?”

Jeremy laughed then. It was an empty laugh, and simultaneously tears began to fall from his eyes. Of course he wanted to leave, of course he did. Once again, the weight of what he had done, and what could have happened, crashed down on him. The weight was not in his shoulders, but rather tied to his heart and lungs, and they felt as if they were slowly being pulled into his stomach. He wanted to leave.

But.

“I can’t,” he finally said, wiping away the water that had leaked from his eyes. “Not to be dramatic, but it’s now or never dude.”

Michael raised his eyebrows, then said sarcastically, “And what about the past few weeks hasn’t been dramatic, exactly?” 

Jeremy laughed genuinely, and when Michael opened his door and began to get out Jeremy did the same.

***

Michael saw it, when Jeremy asked Christine out and she said yes. It had been after 2nd period and Michael found them down the hall by the corner he and Jeremy met after 2nd period. Michael hadn’t seen the start of the conversation, but if he had to guess he would assume they had met there organically.

As far as Michael could tell, Jeremy never saw him. After talking for a while, he and Christine smiled, joined hands, and walked away. In the opposite direction.

***

Jeremy texted Michael during 3rd period that he couldn’t join him for lunch. Michael appreciated the gesture, but informed or not, Jeremy was still blowing him off. Which was extra annoying today since Jeremy hadn’t been at school the past few days. But he couldn’t be mad at him since he texted, and he wouldn’t be mad otherwise anyway. Michael knew how long Jeremy had liked Christine, how much this had to mean to him.

So, Michael sat alone at lunch. Again. 

He focused on the positive, there were always days he would prefer to only listen to music and take a brain break from people rather than talk to Jeremy. While this was not the case today, he attempted to convince himself it was, or to at least appreciate it was another day where he could listen to music. This had the adverse effect of reminding himself he had already had a couple of lunches without Jeremy and he could now expect many more if things worked out with Christine. So, in an attempt to avoid being bitter, Michael tried to just stop thinking altogether and focus on the music.

This is why he did not realize Rich was there until he set his lunch tray down on the table and sat down. Even then, Michael noticing Rich was only because he had basically slammed the tray on the table.

Michael jumped at this and looked at Rich with wide, startled eyes. While Rich had gone down the totem pole of popularity, and popularity itself was a changed concept at their school now, Michael was still very much the loser of the situation. 

Michael saw Rich’s mouth moving and it took him a moment to realize he couldn’t hear any words because he still had his headphones on and blasting music. _Great_ , he thought to himself as he removed the headphones, _I am getting a 10 out of fuckin’ 10 for looking like a fucking stupid idiot._

“Hey man?” Michael said in an apprehensive voice, hoping it conveyed more confusion than fear.

Rich rolled his eyes. “I said, where’s Jeremy?”

“Oh! He’s getting lunch with Christine. I think just the two of them.” Michael said this with relief, both because Rich was only annoyed and would most definitely leave now since Jeremy was not here.

“Oh, cool.” Rich said. And then started eating. Like he was going to continue to sit there.

Then Rich continued to sit there.

“Take a picture.” Rich said after some time had passed.

“What?”

Rich looked up from his food and met Michael’s eyes. “It will last longer.” Michael blinked at him, still confused. “You’re staring.”

“Oh! Shit, sorry.” Michael said, now starting an awkward journey of where to focus his gaze. 

“It’s all good dude.” Rich said, his tone softer than before, allowing Michael to meet his eyes again. “What’s up?”

“Uh,” Michael said, still feeling a lack of knowing what the fuck was happening. _Fuck it_ , he thought. “What are you doing?”

“Eating lunch?”

“No, like, why are you sitting with me?”

“Oh. Do you not want me to?”

“No, I mean, it’s fine, but also it’s not like I know you. And I got the impression you didn’t like me.”

“Oh.” Rich said again, “Well. Sorry about all that shit. The SQUIP told me to do it, but I was also just a jerk.”

Michael still couldn’t quite get what was happening. Was Rich apologizing? Did Rich look _sheepish?_

“A asshole.” Michael said lightly, attempting to lighten the mood. He never cared about being made fun of, he had made peace with being a loser. But he could still appreciate what he thought Rich was trying to do.

Rich gave a small smile. “Yeah, a asshole. Anyway. Jeremy and I kind of became friends during the SQUIP thing. And then he was nice to me in the hospital. And you stuck by him through all that shit, and he’s cool and likes you, so you’re probably cool. And I kind of don’t have friends now because I’m not cool and also burned down a house. So. Can I sit here?”

Michael slowly began to chuckle. “What’s funny?” Rich asked, slightly irritated.

“Not you, I promise. Of course, you can sit here.” Michael said to ease Rich’s worries. He chuckled again and finally added, “Our lives are just so God damned weird.”

Rich smiled and then slowly began to chuckle as well, which caused Michael to start again. Gradually, they both got to full on laughing.

“Yeah,” Rich agreed. “Fuckin’ tell me about it. Do you know how weird it is to have a brain all to yourself?”

“I do, actually. That’s why I listen to music all day, drown out the silence.” 

“Dude! You’re a fucking genius.” Rich said, smiling at him.

Michael laughed then said, almost flirtatiously, “Well, you have a lot to learn about me.”

Rich paused, then smiled wider. He replied in a tone that matched Michael’s, “I intend to.”

***

Jeremy’s lunch with Christine had been equally enlightening as it had been enthralling. He was thrilled to discover the same chemistry that was developing between them pre-SQUIP Ruined Play was still there. And he still felt the same excitement he always had felt when he thought about this moment, the potential of such a moment.

Something had felt off though. Not a concerning amount, it was not unlike when you dream about a vacation and then you finally go on it. Not a bad different, it's just inevitably different than how you imagined it would be. Jeremy expected this feeling to go away with time. For now, he could at least enjoy the feeling, the ecstasy, of just knowing he was here. With her. With Christine. 

_**You put so much at risk only to get this chance to hang out with her, and then you get to anyway. And now you aren’t even enjoying it. You’re a selfish prick.** _

The Keanu Reeves-reminiscent voice rang through his mind unexpectedly. Jeremy would have sworn a flash of pain pounded his head with it, but this could have easily just been a phantom pain. 

“Jeremy?” Christine had asked, concerned. “Are you okay?”

Jeremy took a few deep breaths, then gave her a reassuring smile. “Yeah, sorry. Just my head.” _Fuck intrusive thoughts,_ he thought.

Christine smiled back, then promptly continued the conversation.

Now, as the end of his first day back began to approach, all he could think about was how excited he was to hang out with Michael. To finally chill out again; just relax and play video games together. 

Apparently, Michael had different plans.

“Hey dude. Can’t hang out after school today, just fyi. Hope lunch with Christine went well!!” This was the text Jeremy received from Michael during last period. 

Technically, he had done the exact same thing to Michael earlier that day. But still. What the hell? It was his first day back at school and they hadn’t hung out in so long. _Which was your fault_ , he thought. And then, _**He probably realized how much he hates you.**_

Currently, most of the other students in the class were talking so the room was pretty loud. Which is why Jeremy let his face fall forward on to the desk intentionally harder than normal, despite the noise. _Seriously,_ fuck _these intrusive thoughts._


	2. Chapter 2

The next day was Friday, and while Jeremy did not see Michael all day, he was sure he would see him after school. They were planning on hanging out tonight and for Michael to spend the night at his house. Jeremy knew this because he had to inform his Dad, a new phenomenon in their household. This was slightly annoying, but in exchange Jeremy’s Dad had promised to wear pants the whole time Michael was over. Perhaps the gesture was too late since Michael’s eyes had already been scarred by his many previous visits, but Jeremy was pleased with the arrangement nonetheless. 

Instead of seeing Michael during the day, Jeremy spent moments between classes and lunch with Christine. 

“Do you think we can get together this weekend? Go do some bowling alley performance art?” She asked before the last period began and they would go their separate ways for the day.

Jeremy nodded. “Yeah totally. I’ll have to check with my Dad, but I don’t see why not.”

She smiled brightly at him, clearly excited. Jeremy smiled warmly back. “Sounds great!” she said, and then hugged him. Not side hugged, full on hugged. Christine Canigula hugged him, Jeremy Heere, in the middle of the hall.

“I can’t wait,” he said genuinely when they broke. He had still been having that weird feeling about his developing relationship with Christine all day, but it faded for this brief moment. How he expected hugging Christine in the hall to feel and how it actually felt perfectly lined up. Jeremy’s chest swelled with happiness for what he was experiencing and for the delayed gratification of it.

“Me too,” she said. She gave a nervous giggle, then turned around and said “Bye!” still giggling as she walked briskly away.

Jeremy realized during class he had forgotten to grab his history textbook during his last trip to his locker, which meant he would have to circle back to get it before going to Michael’s car. Briefly, he considered blowing it off and to just suffer the consequences for his hubris on Monday. Then he remembered how he almost destroyed the school and figured it was in his best interest to study, give his teachers less reason to notice his shortcomings.

He tried to be quick about getting to his locker, so he wouldn’t keep Michael waiting too long, but his teacher held him back today to discuss the days he missed while in the hospital. Jeremy thought it would have probably made more sense to have done this yesterday, but he hadn’t been in a rush to leave yesterday, so of course it happened today instead.

_Oh my fucking God, have people always walked this slow in the hallway?_

“Come on, come on.” He muttered to himself as he entered the combination in his lock, having to start over twice because his desire to get it open ASAP made him worse at getting it open.

His anxiety to get his history book and the focus he had to force on himself to get his locker open and get the right book were taking up his complete attention span. This left Jeremy vulnerable to being easily caught off guard, probably in a more dramatic sense given the aforementioned anxiety. He did not consciously realize this at the time, but it was easy to deduce in hindsight.

In the exact moment Jeremy closed his locker and revealed Michael’s face, Michael said “Hey dude!” in a confident and excited voice. Jeremy would have been startled under the best of circumstances.

And these were not the best of circumstances.

Jeremy felt like his brain had short-circuited and got stuck in panic mode. He gave a short-surprised scream, tried to back away and ended up tripping over his feet. 

Jeremy sucked in another shaky breath ready to scream again. He blinked. He comprehended his eyes were locked with Michael’s, and that Michael looked devastated. 

Jeremy let out the breath he was holding, his breath heavy as he calmed down since his heart was still pumping. Fuck, fuck, _fuck._ It had all happened so fast, but clearly the damage was done.

“Michael,” he said, still breathless. “I-I-I’m sorry dude. I’m so sorry.”

“Jesus.” Michael muttered. He bent down and grabbed Jeremy’s arm. Jeremy allowed himself to be pulled up, taking note of the people in the hall as he did so. Thankfully, the hall was mostly empty since it was now almost ten minutes after school on a Friday. Either no one had noticed what just happened or no one particularly cared. 

“Michael-“ Jeremy started again and broke off seeing the look on Michael’s face. Jeremy still felt the lingering effects of pure fear, but Michael looked like he was doing far worse, his face conveying a sense of complete sorrow and hopelessness.

“Let’s go.” Michael said. He turned and began walking towards the parking lot, only briefly pausing to make sure Jeremy was walking as well.

They were both quiet the whole way to the car. Jeremy felt too exhausted from the short flare of adrenaline to be anxious about having to talk about it. He didn’t bother to think of exactly what he would say. _What even is there to say?_ He wondered. _What could possibly make this better?_

The moment the doors to Michael’s car closed Jeremy began speaking. “Dude, I am so, so sorry. But I swear it not even entirely you- the thing with you. I was rushing to get to your car, Mr. Griffins held me after class, and my locker would not work for the life of me, so I was stressed and focused on trying to get my combo in. You just surprised me is all. I swear. Normal surprise.”

There was silence. Michael was staring at the steering wheel, unmoving. Jeremy began to feel nervous. After what had to have been at least 3 minutes of pure silence, Jeremy said, “Michael?”

“Jesus.” Michael muttered, then buried his face in his hands. “Jesus, Jesus, JESUS!” 

Jeremy flinched, “Michael it’s fine! I swear. I am so sorry, but I promise it’s okay.”

“No Jeremy,” he replied, turning to finally look at him. “It’s not fucking okay. What happened was not me surprising you. You fell because you were _trying to get away_ from me. Maybe the scream on its own would have been normal, I’ve surprised you like that before. But Christ Jeremy, I could see how frightened you were.” 

Jeremy only blinked at him, having no idea what to say.

_**He hates you.**_ The thought was simple and could have easily been in Jeremy’s own voice. He had always had thoughts of insecurity, but it had never made this much logical sense to Jeremy before. Jeremy wasn’t sure if it was this realization or the thought being in the SQUIP’s voice that made him gasp. Either way, he tried to take it back, quickly swallowing and shutting this trail of thought down. Michael was hurt now, and Michael was what mattered. Intrusive thoughts or not, his mind would have to shut up for a few minutes. 

Michael sighed and turned to look out the window, most likely misinterpreting Jeremy’s gasp. “I just, I’m sorry for surprising you. I didn’t mean to and I really wish I fucking hadn’t.”

“It’s not your fault.” Jeremy immediately replied. “Listen, I’m sorry-“

“If it isn’t my fault then it’s not yours either.” Michael said, cutting him off. “Do you still want to hang out?”

“More than anything.”

“Are you sure? ‘Cause I would understand if-“

“Michael. I want to hang out with my best friend. In fact, I would argue I need to.”

Michael turned to meet his eyes again, giving a small smile. “Okay,” he said softly, and started the car.

***

Once they reached Jeremy’s and were able to order pizza and begin playing video games, and therefore start properly hanging out, things were back to normal despite the rocky start of the evening. Now the only difference between today and hanging out pre-SQUIP was that Jeremy was properly Talking To Christine, as opposed to simply pining for her.

“So, give me all the details,” Michael said as they played through a particularly mindless level, his voice sounding the way it did when they discussed exciting gossip. 

Jeremy smiled sheepishly. “Not much to say, dude. We spent lunch alone two days in a row and we’re meeting up on Sunday at bowling alley performance art.”

“Dude! Hell yeah! I mean, bowling alley performance sounds hella lame. But hell yeah nonetheless!”

“Hey!” Jeremy said feigning offense but already laughing. 

“Can’t believe your dreams are coming true, dude.” Michael said. His voice was mostly genuine, but Jeremy heard a hint of hesitation. 

Jeremy hit Michael’s shoulder with his own, momentarily abandoning the game to give him a side glance. “Hey. We’re good dude.”

Michael met his eyes and smiled gratefully. Jeremy smiled back and returned his attention to the video game, letting their unspoken language speak reassurance for him.

The rest of the evening went smoothly. So smoothly, that Jeremy was shocked when Michael said he was leaving around midnight.

“What? Why?” Jeremy asked, not understanding. He could not remember this ever happening before. 

“I’m tired dude, life’s just been too crazy lately.” Michael said, clearly putting effort into appearing casual.

Jeremy was beginning to feel genuinely hurt. He could get Michael was tired, except this had never been an issue before. He was clearly hiding something.

“Are you sure that’s all?” Jeremy asked, making no attempt to hide his confusion and hurt. He didn’t want to guilt trip Michael, but what he did want was to spend time with his best friend.

Michael sighed. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to sleep over. Not until we find a better solution to the, uh… issue.”

“What do you…” Jeremy started, and then realized. “Oh.” 

Michael nodded. “It’s not your fault, obviously. But I think we should avoid setting ourselves up for disaster.”

Jeremy groaned and dropped his head in frustration. “This sucks. This fucking sucks ass.”

Michael laughed, but it sounded empty. “What was your first clue?”

They were not hyper-masculine guys, so they did not necessarily have any trouble showing affection for each other. That being said, they were teenage guys who generally avoided talking about emotions or getting gushy. In short, it was uncommon for them to exchange a hug. Not rare, but uncommon. And almost always a side hug.

However, Michael hugged him now. Jeremy had reasons to be upset, but things were generally good, so he tried to focus on the positive. But he was still carrying the weight of what he had almost caused, and while many things had now changed for the better, he and Michael’s relationship was dramatically different, possibly forever. But here was Michael now, still with him, despite what Jeremy had done. Still with him, despite what Jeremy was left with.

Jeremy started crying.

“I’m sorry!” he gasped, hugging Michael back.

Michael only hugged him tighter. “It’s okay, Jere. It’s okay.”

_**God, you’re embarrassing,**_ Jeremy’s thought said, but he shut it up fast. He could not care less right now.

After a few minutes Jeremy calmed down enough to pull away. “So have you reached your limit yet, or should I dump on you emotionally again next week?”

Michael laughed genuinely and wiped at his eyes. Only then did Jeremy realize Michael had been crying too. Much less than Jeremy, but still crying. 

“Well. Fuck.” Jeremy said, then laughed too.

“I really wish I could stay now.” Michael said, half humorously.

“You could, you know.” Jeremy said, some unidentifiable feeling swelling in his chest. _I want you to stay so bad,_ he thought.

Michael smiled at him sadly and shook his head. “Nah dude. We’ll figure something out, but until then this is better. But hey, we can still hang again tomorrow, right?” He held up his fist.

Jeremy smiled and bumped Michael’s fist with his own. “Yeah dude. Drive safe.”

Michael nodded. And then, Michael left.

And Jeremy was alone, with his cavernous empty head. 

***

Both his Moms were asleep when Michael got home, so he avoided the awkward conversation until at least tomorrow morning. Michael thanked the universe for this small favor, feeling confused by his own motivations and unwilling to talk about it right now.

He told himself not sleeping over was as much for Jeremy’s sake as it was for his own. And maybe this was true, but Michael had to admit to himself that it did not matter if it was true or not. He could not be there. He wanted to; all Michael wanted right now was to spend time with Jeremy.

But.

Michael started crying again. The way Jeremy had looked at him when Michael accidentally surprised him at school. The pure terror in his eyes.

And then of course, Christine. Hearing Jeremy talk about her had never hurt like this before. They hadn’t even talked about her that long; it was possibly the shortest conversation they had had about her since Jeremy first developed the crush. But now it was reality, not fantasy. And now Michael knew the extent of his own feelings for Jeremy.

In short, it fucking sucked.

This crying was quiet and slow, only taking about two minutes before it progressed into stray tears leaking from his eyes.

Michael stripped down to his boxers, turned the lights off, and laid in bed. He stared up at the ceiling for a few minutes, thinking.

_So, you like a guy. No big deal, but you’re already a loser and this doesn’t help. Then, the guy you like is your best friend. Oops. Your best friend really likes a girl. Yikes. Then he almost turns into a supercomputer zombie. But it turns out to be okay. Except it’s not because now he’s terrified of you and also dating that girl. You know, just simple high school drama._

Michael groaned, then put a pillow over his head so he could muffle a proper scream. _Why couldn’t I just be a gay teen?_

After allowing another two minutes to lay there pitying himself with a pillow resting on his face, he pushed it off and pulled out his phone to text Jeremy.

**Michael: is it lame to say I miss you?**

**Jeremy: Probably**

**Jeremy: but I miss u too**

Michael smiled at his phone.

**Michael: So what does bowling alley performance art even entail exactly?**

**Jeremy: Not sure tbh. There’s a fair chance we just end up bowling**

**Michael: lmao are you ready for that bro?**

**Jeremy: I’ve been playing Wii Bowling since you left. Gotta impress**

**Michael: Gamers Rise Up!**

As Michael chuckled at his own joke, he got a new text from someone else.

**Rich: hey**

**Michael: Is this a “u up?” text?**

**Rich: no**

**Rich: it could be ;) one day**

**Michael: The one day better be our wedding day.**

**Rich: But what about Netflix and chill?**

**Michael: And what about my good Christian morals!!**

Michael found himself enjoying this unexpected conversation with Rich. They had eaten lunch together two days in a row, which had gone smoothly, but here was solid proof that Michael had an actual other friend.

**Jeremy: My dad and I had a deal he would wear pants the whole time you were here. So now I gotta devise a scheme to pretend you’re still here tomorrow morning.**

**Michael: LOL what are the front runner idea?**

**Jeremy: uh… playing wii sports two player mode?**

**Michael: Jeremy. That is an interesting idea. But I have to ask. Was it your first?**

**Jeremy: yah**

**Michael: So you’re saying. You’re first idea WASN’T to just put pillows under a blanket and pretend I was asleep?**

**Jeremy: Oh, that might work better.**

**Michael: YEAH, YA THINK??**

**Rich: speaking of good Christian morals, what are you doing Sunday?**

Was… was Rich about to invite him to fucking church?!

**Michael: uhhhhh depends**

**Rich: on?**

**Michael: are you inviting me to church?**

**Rich: Hell no**

**Michael: Oh, I’m free then**

**Jeremy: do you think you’ll still come over tomorrow?**

**Michael: yeah def**

**Jeremy: hell yeah. See you then**

**Michael: GOOD NIGHT MY BOY**

**Jeremy: fuck you. Good night.**

**Rich: cool, wanna see a movie?**

**Michael: yeah, that sounds cool**

**Rich: cool. I’ll text you Sunday.**

Michael had no idea what was happening. Like, on any level. No clue. All he knew was that despite crying twice in one night he ended up falling asleep with a smile on his face.

***

When Michael hugged Jeremy, Jeremy had felt something he couldn’t identify. This had not bothered him at the time, Jeremy being too distracted by the crying and the vulnerability and the Michael leaving to feel perplexed over this mystery emotion.

Jeremy lingered on that feeling later; he felt some remnants of it as he texted Michael later that night. It was a good feeling; it leaked into all his limbs and made him feel lighter and safe. It being unidentifiable still did not bother him, for it would most likely fade away on its own and Jeremy would forget all about it.

But instead, he felt it again more acutely and powerful the next day when Michael was back over. 

Jeremy had left the room to get some snacks, and when he got back Michael was so focused on the video game, he didn’t show any notice to Jeremy. 

“Hey man, got your Sprite.” Jeremy announced, standing behind Michael. 

Michael took time to pause the game, then looked over his shoulder and smiled up at Jeremy.

“Thanks!” he said, reaching up and taking it from Jeremy’s held out hand.

When their fingers briefly touched Jeremy sucked in a breath, the feeling penetrating his mind like a beam and consuming any other thought.

Michael didn’t notice, just gave him a smile and turned back to the TV. 

Jeremy stared at the back of Michael’s neck, barely breathing. What the hell was going on? 

And then a flash. A memory, seemingly unremarkable, of Jeremy and Michael hanging out in Michael’s basement. 

_Both of them were high, and the hour was so late that they had given up on video games and were watching Netflix. The couch down there wasn’t particularly big, but they both always had their own space when sitting on it. But for a reason Jeremy could not remember, perhaps it had happened in the process of getting high, they were physically closer that night. Their legs had been pressed together, arms naturally laying on top of one another. It was as if some center of gravity had pulled their bodies to the middle of the sofa._

_“What the fuck are we watching?” Michael said, turning his head towards Jeremy and giving him a dopey smile._

_Jeremy could feel Michael’s breath on his neck, which was distracting him in a surprisingly pleasant way. He squinted his eyes, really focusing on what the fuck they were watching._

_“High School Musical,” Jeremy finally said, returning Michael’s gaze and smiling triumphantly._

_Michael laughed. “Why are we watching this?”_

_“You chose it!” Jeremy replied, laughing along. Michael, now laughing harder, put his hand on Jeremy’s thigh. Jeremy interpreted this as Michael asking Jeremy to stop talking so he could stop laughing. So Jeremy shut up, and when Michael eventually did stop laughing, he did not remove his hand, only relaxed his position. In less than a minute, Jeremy relaxed too, leaning into Michael with his head nearly on his shoulder._

_And it had felt nice. Very nice, in fact. It felt safe. It felt… natural._

_“Jeremy,” Michael whispered._

Wait, did he really? _Jeremy wondered, something suddenly off._

“Jeremy!” Michael repeated, jerking Jeremy back into the present.

“Yeah! Yeah, sorry. What?” Jeremy said, blinking and shaking his head, attempting to physically shake off the memory. It was illogical, but Jeremy now felt highly self-conscience. 

Michael was staring at him, looking concerned. “You good dude?”

“Yeah, yeah totally.”

Michael looked no less concerned, “What’s going on?”

Jeremy did not doubt he was coming off weird. After all, he had just majorly spaced out and was still trying to sort what the fuck just happened out in his head, but Michael’s high level of concern only added to his confusion. 

“Dude. I’m fine.” Jeremy said, doing his best to convey normalcy.

Michael sighed, turning away. “Okay, sorry, just.” He sighed again. “No SQUIP right?”

_Oh._

“It’s okay,” Jeremy said in a much softer tone. He walked around the couch and sat next to Michael, slightly more aware of the amount of space between them. “No SQUIP.”

Michael nodded, not looking at him. “Okay. That’s good. ‘Cause if it does come back… well, we don’t have to worry about that right now.” He finally looked over at Jeremy. “Do you still get those intrusive thoughts?”

Jeremy nodded, “Yeah occasionally. Especially when I’m stressed.”

“Okay. Still normal. I mean, it’s only been like a week now.” A pause. “You’ll tell me if it gets bad, right?”

Jeremy agreed automatically, “Yeah, of course I will.”

“Seriously Jeremy. I know you’re tired of the serious conversations, but I can’t go through that again.” At some point while Michael was talking, Jeremy had adjusted his gaze down to his knees. Most likely in attempt to ensure Jeremy’s attention, Michael reached over and placed his hand on Jeremy’s thigh. Jeremy froze, but Michael didn’t seem to notice. “Just, please tell me if anything changes. I want to know.”

Jeremy looked up at him, meeting his eyes. “I will. I promise. I don’t want to lose you.”

Michael gave him a small smile and removed his hand. “Okay,” he said, then added more casually, “When I finish kicking this level’s ass should we switch to two player?”

“Yeah, sure,” Jeremy answered, relieved for the conversation to be over. He now had even more conflicting and confusing emotions but would just have to shove all of them as far down in his mind as he could until he had time to properly brood over them. Or maybe continue burying them and never address the issue, that was also an option.

_**Stupid fucking idiot,**_ a thought in his head said loudly. _Jesus Christ, can my own brain shut up for like 5 minutes, please?_ Jeremy thought, and then tried to do just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told myself I would write way more of this story than I did before I posted the first chapter so I could still post consistently if work got super busy. But I enjoyed writing it so much and was so excited that I went ahead and posted the first chapter anyway. And now I'm working 60 hours this week. Yayyyyyyyyyy

**Author's Note:**

> Here's the thing, my friend first told me about Be More Chill like a year and a half ago. But what they said was "You might like it, but its science fiction-y so there's a good chance you won't." Meanwhile, I HAD READ THE FUCKING BOOK. I swear, my friend and I share two brain cells.


End file.
